If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
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i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one