I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
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finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
dutch is not a serious language
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.