Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”