I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
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[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I hope they boil the right one.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
mood
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems