I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers