“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
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[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.