health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
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Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago