(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
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I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
This headline is a thing of beauty
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.