me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
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Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Oops
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.