Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.