{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.