waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.