Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi