003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
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12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
he chose this