Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
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prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
just pretend nothing happened
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table