[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
You Might Also Like
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Cheers Twitter.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
is there nothing we can trust anymore
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie