It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
You Might Also Like
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
When I said I liked it rough.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.