I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I love twitter
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.