Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
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I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.