if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
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Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Just me and my debit card against the world
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework