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I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Every time.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”