[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
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I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
a lot to unpack here