My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Who says great literature is dead?
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Challenge accepted.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS