I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
This will teach them to underestimate me