friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
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The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!