me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Peace was never an option
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.