I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
TODAY
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Our lord and savoury.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.