Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
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Beware of fowl play.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
What about second breakfast?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
*skinny dips into black hole
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy