If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
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Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
βItβs MY WIIIIFE, itβs now or neverβ – Borat Jovi
Iβm not even remotely sorry
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking βwho are you going with?β … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with βsome guy from craigslistβ
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
ME: (to my heist crew) letβs ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait whatβs that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Cop: Suspect located, weβre in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOUβRE CUTE TOO!
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldnβt. Shitty credit, I have.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: βA lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…β
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a βcrisis at the borderβ when I make a bikini wax appointment
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, βEarly bird gets the worm.β
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and motherβs maiden name.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, itβd be a novel. Settle down.
Toddlers wait until youβre at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.