Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
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i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*