*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
You Might Also Like
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.