my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
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Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Sooo many times…..
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.