the three best gummy flavors, together at last
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me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?