Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Got him!
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
This kid is going places
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.