You saw nothing. I am ham.
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A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I just love that new Pope smell.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”