[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
You Might Also Like
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG