Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Sell your car
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.