I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
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My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I love you…
…r dog.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
this is so top tier i cant