This a good idea
You Might Also Like
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
What do you hear?
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf