Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
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Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Why is everyone getting married at me
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.