me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
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Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.