maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
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Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Hmm, not sure about this change
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Yep.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?