Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.