Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
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Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Social distancing in Australia:
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.