I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.