To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
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Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
the official breakfast of 2021
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins