Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler