Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
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Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Wait a minute
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?