If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
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ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked