Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.